Part of my process when I’m writing is to write character interviews. I write a long series of questions so that I can learn about my characters in their own words. This is different than a character bio, which would be written in my voice. These interviews are written from the character’s point of view and I always learn a great deal. The interviews always end with the same three questions: Who do you love? Who loves you? and, What are you most afraid of?
I’m working on character interviews for my new book, A Catalogue of Birds, and I stumbled on this question for Matt Bliss. This passage never made it into the book, but so many people have asked me about Matt’s motivations, I thought I’d share this here:
What are you most afraid of?
Matt: “You know there’s this thing about war, about proving yourself as a man, as a brave man, having the right stuff. That’s the romantic myth I’m chasing. And I know it’s a myth and I know there are a million ways to be brave – like what it takes for Angie to let me go – but I’m still compelled to test myself in this way. It’s like this rite of passage that I’m really too old for; or this life question you’d think I’d have settled by now. I’m not really answering your question… I’m afraid that in the end I’m not really asking the right questions; that I got stuck over here in the bravery section and forgot … Oh, hell, I guess I’m afraid of having regrets, of not living, of not rising to the challenge, of not trying to make a difference. Why can’t I do all of that right here at home, in my own back yard, you might ask? I don’t know. It’s a war. It’s here. It’s now. It’s my generation.
“And then it’s all mixed up, mixed up with Angie thinking I’m not ambitious, or not ambitious in the way she wanted me to be, the classic rising through the ranks in business, a guy in a suit; so maybe I’m still trying to impress her, trying to find the place where I can be ambitious and rise through the ranks and …
“Shit, I guess what I’m most afraid of is that I’ve made the wrong decision. And that I could lose everything – not just Angie and the girls and our life together if something happens to me, if I die over there – but that if I do come back, maybe I’ve broken or damaged something between Angie and me that can never be put right. Will she forgive me? I’m scared about that. Will she forgive me?”